Table of Contents

Characters' Protective Service

Disclaimer: I do not own White Collar

Summary: Who protects the characters? Someone decides to take some action and call Characters’ Protective Services in the name of our favorite conman.

Author's note:

This is a work of fiction and does not depict how these people really are neither is this meant to insult any of the actor’s acting, which I love very much.

This was inspired by an idea from love2imagine in a discussion in one of the “Out of This World” series fics. They are really good, if you haven’t read yet.

Characters' Protective Service

By PadyandMoony

“Maybe we could have Kramer back,” one of the individuals around a conference table said while tapping a pen to his mouth and gently rocking his chair sideways. The other three in the room looked at him with a look of appreciation and one of them started typing in the laptop in front of him.

“Except this time he and Peter are working together to catch Neal and Mozzie right?” he asked the others and they gave him incredulous looks as if that was a foregone conclusion and he was just being silly. All four of them were shocked out of their chairs and into the ground on their knees as a loud bang was heard and armed men in bulletproof vests stormed the conference room yelling.

“POLICE! YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST! PUT YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR.”

“DROP YOUR WEAPON SIR!” one of the armed police officers said pointing his gun at the first writer who had spoken about bringing Kramer back.

“It’s a pen! Not a weapon!” he cried terrified but dropped it all the same. He was roughly shoved forward and had his hands grabbed backwards and cuffs tightened on him. He did not like it one bit. He felt humiliated and was being hurt. All those times he had Neal being cuffed roughly he never thought this was what he was going through. And that’s when he remembered! He had rights! “You can’t just arrest us! You have to tell us our charges,” he said as the officer manhandled him pulling him up abruptly as if he was a sack of potatoes.

“We received a tip that you were being excessively abusive towards one Neal Caffrey.”

“What?” all four writers yelled incredulously.

“Bag the evidence,” the police officer who told them the charges said to another one who came in with evidences bags pointing at the laptops on the table and their notes. The police officer bagging the evidence started by bagging their pens and the other one – who seemed to be in charge – said, “Careful, those are powerful weapons.”

The writers couldn’t believe what they were seeing so the one who’d spoken first, who apparently had been chosen as spokesperson for the others who encouraged him with nods said, "What are our real charges?”

The chief police officer looked at him as if he was something nasty under the soles of the officer’s shoes and being purposely obnoxious and he couldn’t help but think he looked just like he’d always imagined Peter looking at Neal when Neal was up to his tricks. DeKay never managed that. There was always a hint of some compassion there, as if Peter wanted better for Neal.

“Characters’ Protective Services received a complaint about how you people,” and there was such an inflection of derision on ‘people’ that there was no mistaking the absolute contempt and loathing the officer felt for them, “have been abusing one Neal Caffrey. You have surpassed what can be called entertainment and have entered the area of pure cruelty towards a fellow human being.”

“He is a fictional character!” one of the writers who hadn’t spoken yet cried disbelievingly.

“There is no such thing as Characters’ Protective Services!” cried the last of the four writers to have yet to say a word.

“Characters’ Protective Services is a well-known institution that is here to protect the rights of these misunderstood and unprotected individuals and make sure those who have absolute power over them,” here he gave all four of them a meaningful look full of disappointment, “the writers, do not abuse their power. Mr. Caffrey is a human being, with feelings and needs and, from what we’ve found, out he has been working very hard and is a very good person and yet you people seem to have no problems pilling hurt upon hurt on him using the actions of persons such as Peter Burke, Elizabeth Burke, Philip Kramer and others. And thankfully some brave individuals came forward,” and here none of the writers could believe it when Tim DeKay, Tiffani Thiessen and what -they were small participations! They weren’t even in the show anymore! - Beau Bridges and Treat Williams came into the conference room.

“You can’t keep doing this to the poor boy,” Beau said shaking his head.

“Enough is enough,” Tim says with a firm look and writer number one wanted to bang his head on the wall. That’s the look. That’s the look he wants Peter giving Neal. That loathing! Right there! Instead Tim is looking at him like that! Is everyone nuts! He only realized he said that last one out loud when the police officer who was still holding him shoved him forward roughly and hissed in his ear maliciously.

“Are you going for an insanity defense? I don’t think that will work.”

“ENOUGH!” The chief officer ordered. “Take them away,” and his men started hauling the protesting writers away.

“But this is fiction! Neal Caffrey is fictional! He’s not a real person!” the writers tried in vain.

The chief officer turned to the actors who were looking sadly at the writers as they were being taken away.

“Mr. DeKay, you do understand that to put things right the new writers that Characters’ Protective Services assign to you will have to make Agent Burke face consequences.”

“Of course,” Tim said as if he was already expecting this. “Maybe they can work some kind of work release program. Peter really is a good person and he cares about Neal despite his latest actions. And I can totally pull the anklet off.”

“He can,” Tiffani said smiling proudly at Tim, “And so can I if Elizabeth needs to. I understand that the writers have made her do some horrible things. But that’s not who she is, she is a good person deep down. I don’t know what they were thinking,” she shook her head sadly.

“They just don’t get the relationship between Peter and Neal,” Tim shrugged. “But everything will be better now,” he said gently hugging her.

The end

Author's note:

And on that note I hope the writers make everything better on this last season!

I usually don’t read nor write fics with Real Life People but I was talking with love2imagine yesterday and she came up with this idea, and it’s so crazy and I don’t really say anything about their personal lives, nor I name the writers so I said, why not. Worth a good laugh!

Hope you enjoyed!