Chapter 4 of 5
Fatherhood
Now he was in a pickle. He hadn’t thought much past stalking out of the kitchen. What was he supposed to do? He couldn’t put Harry in his own room. Children weren’t supposed to sleep in big beds right? He almost jumped as he heard a crack. He turned around and glared at Kreacher.
“You is having to put Master Harry to bed sir.”
“I know that,” he hissed. “But I don’t have a crib.”
“Yes, you have. Master Harry is making a room ready for his godson. Master Teddy is sleeping there now but Mistress Tonks is saying they are leaving soon, so you can put Master Harry in Master Teddy’s crib.”
“Huh, interesting.” He hadn’t realized there was a nursery. He followed the elf into a pale blue room full of toys and a big crib inside. Right behind him Tonks entered and smiled, fetching the baby that was in the crib. Severus looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The baby was so delicate in her hands.
“Remus always gives me that look too. But for some reason, when I hold Teddy my clumsiness leaves me. Then it comes back ten fold when I put him down as if in revenge. You can put Harry here. Harry bought this crib because it’s supposed to last for years. See how the bars and the mattress goes up and down?” she asked, motioning with her wand and making the mattress move down and the crib resemble more a kid’s bed than a crib. “You still have the bars raised, so he won’t roll off, but he can get out on his own if he wants to when he is older. Right now it’s best to keep them a little higher. Also, the door is spelled so he won’t be able to leave the room and if you activate this crystal,” she said pointing at a crystal embedded on the crib, “It will let you know when he wakes up.”
Severus nodded and put Harry, who had fallen asleep a while ago, in the crib.
“I’ll enlarge some of the disposable Muggle diapers Harry got for me and one of Teddy’s pajamas I have here. I really like them more. We are still living in the middle ages diaper wise,” she said. “But you should get bigger ones for a kid his age. I’ll come by tomorrow and help you with it. There is a market not far from here. You also should get other toys and clothes. These here are for younger babies. There’s also a chance he is potty trained, so you may want to opt for pull-ups at night, which is a diaper that the child can take off to use the potty. But I highly doubt Harry is. Not from what I’ve heard of the Dursleys. They wouldn’t have bothered encouraging him or anything. You’ll have to wait and see anyway. For now this will do.”
She had put her baby down next to Harry again and then lifted Harry on a changing table. Somehow, Harry did not wake up.
“I’ll show you how to change him, but I’m guessing Kreacher will be the one doing it most of the times.”
“No, I will take care of everything.”
She snorted, “Let me know if you still think like that after you really change Harry’s first messy diaper.” She carefully took away the huge shirt that Harry had been bundled in and gasped. Severus’ eyes narrowed. He was skin and bones. You could see his ribs, and on top of that he had bruises and finger marks on his pale flesh. There were also some nasty diaper rashes.
“I guess the potion takes him to exactly how he was at that age,” she said sadly as she cleaned him and put the diaper on Harry. “I’ll ask Poppy to stop by tomorrow. Do you have any anti-bruise salve?”
“I don’t know if the ones I have here aren’t too strong for him. I’ll brew some that is more appropriate tonight.”
She nodded and finished dressing Harry. As she put him down in the crib she kissed him softly. She took her son and said gently:
“Take good care of him Severus.”
Severus nodded and bent over the crib as Kreacher and Tonks left the room. He ran a hand through Harry’s dark hair and promised he would make sure George and Fred’s gift worked.
After what Severus had dubbed the diaper disaster and was quite sure could compare to the end of the world, but Kreacher insisted it was normal, Severus had decided that though he would be very participant on Harry’s life, he would leave diaper changing to Kreacher. Once Harry was clean and ready to be clothed, Severus asked if he was potty trained; before she left, Molly said that some children that are starting potty training still use diapers at night because they can’t wake up on their own yet. So Severus asked, and Harry’s answer was that he was a big boy. After another disaster it was proven that big boy or no, Harry was not yet potty trained.
Poppy had stopped by and had clucked and tsked a lot. Her diagnosis was that Harry was malnourished and probably beaten. Severus eyes narrowed as he plotted revenge, and revenge would be sweet. He’d have to wait nine weeks since he didn’t want to leave Harry alone, but the more he waited the more creative he could get.
She ordered some nutrient potions, some salve for his rashes and some anti-bruise salve. Thankfully Harry didn’t have any serious injury. Harry had been quite scared with Poppy. Apparently he didn’t do well with strangers, though how he had accepted George Weasley so easily was a mystery. But Severus had noticed Harry had been painfully shy the previous night. When Remus, Teddy and Tonks arrived, Harry had brightened up at “Mooey” but had eyed Tonks warily. It took some coaxing to get him near her and he only did because he was really curious about the baby in the pram.
“He smaww,” Harry had said.
“Yes, he is. But he’ll grow,” she chuckled.
“Hawwy big boy. Daddy say so,” he declared proudly.
The Lupins accompanied Harry and Severus to a Muggle store where they guided Severus to what he had to by for Harry’s needs. Afterwards they shrunk their purchases and headed to Diagon Alley to by Harry some clothes and toys. The stores in Diagon Alley had started to open up again with the war finally over. The Wand-less whom had roamed it during the Dark Lord’s reign had been given new wands by the Ministry and given back their assets. The posters that had been plastered with Harry’s face had been taken down and some with the Death Eaters that were still avoiding capture were up, but not taking much space. You could almost pretend nothing had happened and the Alley was just as it had always been, if not for a few obviously bordered up stores like Floreans Fortescue’s Ice-Cream Parlor.
They stopped quickly by Madam Malkin’s where she took Harry’s measurements and their order for a whole wardrobe.
“Please, consider this potion will make him age a year every week until he is back at his true age,” Remus said kindly. “So, if you could please estimate his sizes for the ages between two and eleven we would be grateful.”
“I can do that. I can put a charm on the clothes so that the first time they are worn they resize themselves to the child’s needs. And I’ll separate them in bags by age so you know when to use them. I think they’ll be ready in three hours. Do you want them owled or will you come fetch them?”
“We will come,” Severus said firmly. “How much will it be?”
“Oh, nothing Professor. It’s my pleasure. It’s the least I could do for young Harry.”
“He won’t like it when he grows up,” Remus said.
“Tell him to donate the clothes in my shop’s name after he doesn’t need them anymore and we’ll be even then.”
“Thank you,” Severus said. “We count on your discretion.”
“Of course,” she nodded.
Severus positioned Harry on his hips and the little group wandered towards the toy store. Harry’s eyes lit up as they entered and his little mouth hung open. Pushing Harry’s chin up gently to close his mouth and putting him on the floor, Severus said:
“Go choose the toys you want Harry.”
Not letting go of Severus’ hand Harry shook his head nervously.
“Why not?” Severus asked kneeling down.
“Hawwy no toys. Onwy Duddy toys,” Harry said sadly.
Severus closed his eye,s breathed deeply to calm himself, and opened them slowly.
“Remember you live with daddy now?” Harry nodded. “Daddy has different rules than the Dursleys. And here Harry gets all the toys he wants, within reason. So feel free to choose.”
Harry looked dubious but he slowly walked away. Severus followed him as he heard Remus say:
“Tonks and I will look for toys for older children so we don’t have to come again every week.”
Harry slowly approached a stuffed dog that was almost his size and greatly resembled the mutt’s Animagus form. He slowly reached his hand to touch it, constantly turning back to see Severus’ reaction, and Severus nodded encouragingly. He finally touched it shutting his eyes tightly. When no yells and smacks came, he opened his eyes and hugged the toy closely. Severus kneeled once again and asked:
“Do you want it?”
Harry nodded and Severus took it to put it in a flying chest that had followed them from the front door. This behavior repeated itself with every toy Harry chose but after almost two hours they had enough toys to entertain Harry for the time he would be two.
Severus and Harry joined Tonks and Remus and paid for their purchases. This time the shopkeeper did not recognize Harry and just received his money. They once again shrunk their packages and Severus held Harry. They were almost at the door when someone hissed:
“How can someone let him be near a child?”
Severus and Remus turned simultaneously and Tonks’ hair turned purple.
“Who are you talking about ma’am?” Tonks asked the elderly woman through gritted teeth.
“I am talking about that Death Eater. He is not worthy of stepping on the same ground as us, much less hold an innocent child.”
“Maybe you failed to read the papers, Madam, but Severus was on our side. Harry Potter vouched for him,” Remus said firmly.
“The boy was obviously Cofunded. He was You-Know-Who’s right hand man.”
“A position that granted us victory because of his help,” Tonks hissed, and she glanced at Severus who had yet to defend himself.
But Severus wasn’t going to. He was holding Harry who was shaking with the animosity flying around, and at the same time was trying to calm him and keep his scar hidden. Wanting to get out of there, Severus said in a low even voice:
“I am at peace with what I did Madam. I did my part for the Light in this war, even if some don’t agree. I did it for me and for the memory of the woman I loved, not for you or anyone else, so I pretty much don’t care what you think. Now, if you will excuse me, I have the same right to shop for my son as anyone else,” and he stalked away.
“Be righ back,” Harry said as he walked by George and went to get another toy.
“He’s been saying that every time he goes somewhere,” Severus said. “Even if it’s in the same room.”
Molly smiled, “It’s normal Severus. Children copy what they hear, even if they don’t know what exactly it’s used for. He sees that people say ‘I’ll be right back’ when they leave and he does it too even if he is not really leaving.”
“Hewe,” Harry handed George a little phone toy Tonks had insisted on buying at the Muggle market.
“What’s this?” George asked shaking the toy.
“No, you tawk see?” and Harry put the phone to his ear upside down “Hewwo, yes. It’s fow you” Harry said handing the phone back to George.
“Go on George, answer the fellytone,” Ron sniggered.
“If you are such an expert why don’t you answer it?” George said, eyeing the toy as if it would explode.
Severus rolled his eyes, kneeled down and took the toy from Harry, “Yes, thank you,” he said pretending to talk in it and then handed it back to Harry, “They want to talk to you.”
“Tank you daddy,” Harry said giggling and took the phone back to start chewing on. Everyone stared at Severus with their mouths open.
“What?” he snapped.
“Nothing Severus,” Molly said kindly. “You are doing great.”
“It also helps that he actually knows how the fellytone works,” George smirked.
“Harry James Potter!” Severus said sternly to his three-year-old son. “Who gave you those Canary Creams?”
Harry looked at his daddy with wide eyes and shook his head.
“I am warning you Harry. I want your accomplice’s name so you two can be duly punished!”
Oh, now he was in deep trouble! Daddy’s vein was popping. But it had been so fun when Mowniny, Moony, Won, and Bill turned into pretty birdies. But he wasn’t supposed to say. So he shuffled his feet and looked down.
“Mawdews don teww on eash othew.”
“That is all I needed to know,” Severus said turning around and looking with a dangerous maniacal glint towards his prey, “George Weasley, how dare you give my son such items?”
“I did no such thing. Mind you, I am so proud of young Harry, but I did nothing that you are accusing me of.”
“Who else would have told him that line?”
“The only Marauder in the room,” George said pointing at Remus, who just snorted.
“Lupin, unlike you, was a victim and also unlike you, has actually grown up. Since you haven’t yet, I think my usual punishment should do.”
“Hey, you can’t make me scrub cauldrons!”
“Watch me!”
“Daddy, Geogie didn’ do nofing,” Harry said tugging his father’s robes and looking up pleadingly.
“Save your breath Harry. I know what I’m talking about.”
“But Geogie is nice.”
“You, young man, are grounded and will stay in your room and have no dessert, and unless you want to join Geogie I would stay silent.”
Later that night as everyone was leaving, Remus hugged Harry tight and whispered in his ear, “Well done my little Marauder.”
“I didn teww,” Harry said proudly.
“No you didn’t,” Remus smirked as a dirty George huffed towards the Floo.
The storm was raging outside but it did not wake Severus up. What woke him was the feeling of his covers moving, his mattress shifting and little hands and feet snuggling closer to his body. Severus opened his eyes and through the moonlight he could make Harry’s four-year-old tiny form.
“Harry, might I inquire as to what you are doing here?” So much for charms that would keep him in his room.
“You were scared of the storm daddy. And I am here to protect you. Me and Paddy,” he said pointing at his blasted stuffed dog that he had named Padfoot.
Severus tried to hide his amusement and said, “How lucky of me to have such a protector to keep me from being scared.”
Harry nodded and scuttled closer, shaking as the thunder raged. Severus’ arm encircled Harry and he carted his fingers through Harry’s hair until he felt him fall asleep. It was a long while before Severus did so as well; he was completely absorbed in the feeling of his son sleeping on his chest.
Five-year-old Harry burst into the kitchen and hugged Severus’ legs in distress. Severus hunched down and scooped the little crying boy in his arms. “What’s wrong Harry?” he asked while rubbing Harry’s back.
“I don’t want you to die daddy!”
Severus looked lost at Remus and Tonks.
“Harry, why would you think I’ll die?”
“’Cause Dudley said old people die and Hermione just told Ron that you are thirty-eight daddy! Thirty-eight! That’s ancient!”
Sure enough the guilty party ran into the kitchen.
“He just ran for no reason!” Hermione panted, closely followed by Ron. Severus glared at them and at Remus and Tonks, who were muffling their laughter.
Severus pulled a chair to him and sat down with Harry in his lap. He tilted Harry’s head to look at him, “Harry thirty-eight is not ancient.”
“Yes it is, I can’t even count that high!” Harry cried rubbing his eyes.
Severus pulled Harry’s hands from his face and pulled his wand out. He waved it and conjured seven green rectangle chips and one that was little over half the size of the others, put them in a row, and then conjured one blue rectangle chip that was placed next to the first row. “See here Harry?” he pointed at the blue chip, “This represents five years. That is how old you are.” Harry nodded. “These,” he pointed at the green chips, “Represents how old I am. See? I’ve lived little over seven and a half Harrys.”
“But that’s a lot daddy. I lived a lot. I don’t even remember when I wasn’t alive,” Harry said seriously, and chuckles were heard.
“No you don’t, but you see wizards live to be two hundred years old and that is,” he conjured a row of brown rectangles, “Forty Harrys. So you see, I still have all these Harrys to live.”
Harry looked at the very much larger brown row that was next to the green one and calmed a little.
“What about Moony?”
“Moony is the same age as I am.”
“And Tonks?”
“She is five Harrys,” and he conjured a bright pink row.
“And Hermione?’
“Ah, she is old,” Severus said evenly and Harry’s eyes widened.
Hermione huffed, stalked towards them and conjured a purple row, “I am little over three and a half Harrys. I am a lot younger than your daddy.”
Harry didn’t understand why Hermione was angry, he was just happy no one was going to die and sat contentedly on his daddy’s lap.
“You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making. As there is little foolish wand-waving here many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don’t ‘xpect you will really understand the beauty of the soft simmerin’ cauldron with its shimmerin’ fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, esnar- esnar-“ the little six-year-old boy scrunched up his face trying to remember the big word. He started fidgeting in his little all black robes and ran to the back of the potions lab. Severus crouched down from were he was leaning against the wall and had a whispered conversation with Harry. Harry hurried back to the front, stood straight and proud and eyeing Ron, Dean, Luna, Ginny, Neville and Hermione continued, “ensnaring the senses… I can teach you to bottle fame, brew glory and put a stopper on death- if you aren’t a bunch of dunderheads,” at the end of his speech Harry smiled, looking back hopefully, and Severus nodded proudly walking next to him.
“At your request I will get you all ready to start your seventh year. Some of you need to be brought up, some need a refreshment course, and some,” Severus said eying Neville, “need a miracle.”
“Who are we going to visit?” seven-year-old Harry asked seriously.
“Well you see Harry, you may have noticed that you grow up fairly fast,” Severus answered as he straightened the jacket he was putting on Harry kneeling down to be at Harry’s height. They were both wearing perfectly normal Muggle attire.
“That’s ‘cause I’m getting big. Soon I’ll be taller than you,” Harry said grinning widely and Severus chuckled, which he quickly covered with a cough. He looked around and released his breath. Good, no one saw that.
“Well, you are growing so fast because you are not really seven.”
“No?”
“No, you are seventeen. George,” here Severus put an annoyed emphasis, “Gave you a deaging potion to drink that made you go back to two-years-old and you’ve been aging a year a week. Do you understand?”
“I’m seventeen?” Harry asked awed. “I’m ancient!”
Severus rolled his eyes; what was with Harry and thinking anyone above the age of ten was ancient?
“Anyway, you know your cousin Dudley?”
“I don’t like him,” Harry said nervously. “I like you daddy,” he finished hugging Severus desperately.
“I like you back, and no, you are not going back to the Dursleys so don’t worry,” he said calmly rubbing Harry’s back. Harry nodded but did not let go. “Well, your cousin isn’t a child anymore, and he has changed. He said he was sorry for all the mean things he did and he wanted to be your friend.”
“Dudley doesn’t like me. He only likes me to be his punching bag,” Harry said firmly.
“That is one of the things he said he was sorry for. And you accepted his apologies and promised that he could keep in touch before this happened,” Severus said pointing at him. “I remembered this and owled your cousin explaining what happened so he wouldn’t think you didn’t mean it, and he asked to see you.”
Harry was trembling and shaking his head vigorously. Severus held him close and said softly, “I’ll be with you all the time. I promise.”
“Promise?” Harry asked quietly.
“Yes, and I never break promises.”
“Me neither, and I promised Dudley right?” Harry asked biting his lip.
“Right.”
“Okay, we can go.”
Severus smiled and got up from his kneeling position. He took Harry’s hand and they walked out of the house. Picking Harry up, Severus Apparated both of them to an alley in London. As they walked out he saw the café where he was supposed to meet Dudley. Sure enough, the young man was sitting at one of the outside tables. Severus approached and cleared his throat:
“Mr. Dursley.”
Dudley looked up and smiled, he got up and extended his hand, “Professor Snape. Thank you for coming,” he looked down at Harry who was gripping his father’s hand and trying to hide behind him. “Blimey, Harry. You really are seven.”
Harry shrugged.
“Why don’t we sit down,” Severus said pulling one of the chairs out for Harry to sit. When the boy did not move to take it, Severus sat and pulled Harry onto his lap. Dudley sat back in his chair and said:
“Professor Snape told me you don’t remember much of what happened.”
“He remembers everything up until the age of seven,” Severus said.
“Oh, than you must hate me,” Dudley smiled nervously looking at Harry who was looking at him nervously and gripping Severus’ hand tightly. “I’m sorry for what I did to you Harry. It was mean and hurtful and wrong. I have no other excuse but to say I did not know any better. I would love to put all the blame on my parents, and they do have a lot, they are the ones that told me that what I was doing was right. But it’s not all because of them, there are many people whose parents spoil them and they are not bullies like I was. I just hope we can be friends. Or at least not have any hard feelings,” he finished extending his hand.
Harry looked at Severus who nodded. Very cautiously he extended his small hand and let Dudley wrap it in his big one. He smiled as Dudley shook it gently and the pain he was expecting never came.
Honestly, Severus couldn’t have cared less if Dudley had to wait other three weeks to talk to Harry, but he knew this would be good for young Harry to understand that the Dursleys were wrong to treat him the way they did. Usually during the first couple of days of each week, when Harry just regained a new set of memories, he would go back to being scared and thinking he would be punished for everything. This week he woke up to find Harry cooking breakfast. Cooking! With fire! At seven years old! He couldn’t believe it! He once again explained that he wasn’t at the Dursleys’; that although he was expected to clean after himself and behave, he did not have to cook and clean the house, that was Kreacher’s job. And if he misbehaved Severus would not hit him, but send him to his room, deprived of his favorite toy, which was his toy broomstick that he loved zooming around the house, or made to go to sleep earlier and without dessert, but never would he be struck or locked in a cupboard.
“You do not touch the fire understand? You can’t anyway, since I charmed it. You ask me to turn it up or down if you need to.”
Eight-year-old Harry nodded seriously.
“Now, see this knife?” Severus showed him a red handled knife. “This is the only knife you are allowed to use because I charmed it so you wouldn’t cut yourself, see?” he said pressing the knife to his finger, “It won’t cut human flesh.”
There were two cauldrons on the fires and two benches. One small, right at Harry’s height and one that suited Severus’.
“Now, first we cut the rat tails this way, diagonally,” Severus said, motioning for Harry to copy with his special knife. “This way it will keep its magical properties better than if you cut it vertically…”
That is how Harry and Severus spent the afternoon as Severus instructed Harry in the fine art of potion making. Harry had been observing the classes he’d been giving the other kids for the past two weeks and had constantly asked him when he’d be allowed to brew. Severus noticed that his previous impression that Harry was indeed adept at Potions and hadn’t shown it before due to lack of encouragement and downright disparagement on his part was correct. Even at the tender age of six, Harry had begun asking questions about how ingredients reacted and why they would use one instead of the other. He hoped that by helping him now maybe Harry would come to love potions like he and Lily had once he went back to his rightful age.
“Well done son,” Severus praised as Harry handed him a perfectly brewed Hair-Raising Potion, something that many first years had a lot of trouble brewing and Harry beamed happily.
When Harry was nine-years-old Remus Blasted Lupin convinced Severus to take Harry to the Burrow so he could fly a real broom. So that is what Severus had been doing. He had been watching with hawks eyes as Harry, Ginny, Ron and George played a game of Quidditch. He was sure he only hadn’t keeled over yet from several heart attacks at Harry’s stunts by pure stubbornness.
He was being stupid; he had seen the boy doing things like that a million times before and had never cared. He had seen Harry outfly a dragon for crying out loud! Why should this be any different?
Oh God! Severus leaped from his chair as Harry went in a dive and pulled off it inches from the ground. He sat back with a hand on his heart feeling faint.
“It’s different when you know they are yours,” Arthur’s voice came from behind him. He looked back and watched as the man drew a chair next to him. “I used to watch Quidditch games during family reunions all the time. My little cousins would do stunts just like those, and I would just cheer them on with one of the boys in my arms and wait to see the next stunt, until the day Bill joined them. Oh my, I was a nervous wreck that day. I honestly think I aged ten years in the first hour.”
“How did you get used to it?”
“I didn’t,” Arthur said as he watched calmly as George dived for the Quaffle, “I learned to fake it.”
“Fake it?” Severus asked.
“You’ll never stop worrying, be it a Quidditch game, an outing with friends or a battle,” Arthur said sadly and Severus knew he was thinking of Fred. “But you can’t stop them from living and fighting. I couldn’t stop Fred,” Arthur laughed sadly, “I couldn’t stop Ginny and she was underage. The best you can do is let them live and be there when they get hurt. Harry never had someone to be there when he was hurt. I never realized it until now. We thought we were there but we truly weren’t. Every time one of our own ended up in the Hospital Wing we rushed to Hogwarts even if it was just a small ant bite, even for only ten minutes just to see if they were okay. How many times had Harry woken up in the Hospital Wing? And how many of those times was there someone there when he woke up? Someone there for him, to take care of him and not to explain the little adventure he had gotten himself into. None. There never was anyone. No matter how many people claimed to love him. Now he really does have someone. Now you both do.”
Severus nodded as his eyes traveled back up to Harry who waved excitedly to him. He waved back and realized Arthur was right.
“Dad?”
Severus looked up from the potions journal he had been reading at the couch to find ten-year-old Harry fidgeting in front of him, “Yes.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“You already did but you may ask another question.”
“Why did you leave me with the Dursleys?”
Severus sighed; he knew this question would come but hoped that maybe the Potion would wear off and he would be explaining it to adult Harry. He patted the seat next to him and Harry sat down.
“Do you remember when Remus told you that you had two fathers?”
Harry shook his head. It may have been only a few weeks back but Harry had supposedly aged from two to ten, so it made sense he wouldn’t remember that conversation.
“You see Harry, your mom, she married James Potter, but she was already pregnant with you. When you were born, James adopted you, making you his son by blood too.”
“How?”
“With magic, there is a ritual that involves adding the new parent’s genetics to the child. I don’t know exactly how it works, but in a nutshell it means that your genetic material that would normally be constituted half by your mother’s and half by your father’s, is divided in three and not two. Anyway, for many years I believed you were James’ son. Your mother never told me you were mine. A couple of months back there was a huge battle where many good people died to defeat a really bad wizard. I almost died but you saved my life.”
“I did?”
“Yes,” Severus smiled. “You did. When I woke up in the hospital wing at Hogwarts, Remus told me about you. That is when I found out I was really your father.”
“And then you told me and we stayed together?”
“No, I didn’t know how to tell you. I was your teacher for many years at Hogwarts and I wasn’t very nice to you.”
“Why not?” Harry asked confused.
“I loved your mother Harry. Very, very much. But she ended up marrying James. I know now it was my mistake. She didn’t like a choice I made, a very bad choice I made and that is why she never told me about you. When you came to Hogwarts, all I could see was the symbol of my loss. You see, you look a lot like James. You have his bad hair,” he said ruffling Harry’s hair. “His bad eyesight. You have his round face. You also have your mother’s eyes, my hands, my scowl,” he said faking a scowl and Harry giggled. “But I never saw that. All I saw was James Potter. Lily’s eyes on James Potter, when it should have been her eyes on my features. And it would have if I hadn’t been stupid.”
“You’re not stupid,” Harry scowled crossing his arms.
“I was, believe me, I was. But that’s not what I’m trying to explain. I was angry, angry at Lily for leaving me, angry at James for getting the girl, angry at life for taking away from me what I wanted and angry at you for reminding me of that,” ‘and for living when she didn’t,’ Severus thought. He had been angry at Harry for that, but now he couldn’t bear the thought of Harry not surviving. “And I took it out on you. It was childish and wrong but I did it. When I found out you were my son I didn’t know how to react and I was scared you wouldn’t want me. That you would hate me; I gave you enough reason to. So I didn’t tell you. You invited me to live here because my house wasn’t safe and we started a tentative truce. But I still was scared of telling you. And I’m scared that when you turn back to your age you’ll hate me again.”
“I won’t,” Harry promised hugging Severus. “I love you dad!”
Severus hugged him fiercely back and said, “I love you son.” And was shocked to realize he really meant it.